I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
