I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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