Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize