Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
