kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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