Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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