I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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