I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
