I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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