ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
