I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
