i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
