No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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