Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
