I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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