i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
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She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
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For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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