I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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