you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
