just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
