you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
