i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
