yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
