I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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