still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
