Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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