If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
