If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
