Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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