do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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