I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
