and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
