Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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