i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
