turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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