I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
