You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
