i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
