I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
