I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
