I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Randomize
