Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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