just survived the first fart of the relationship.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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