You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
