Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
