I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
