last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
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It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
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I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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