where's my purse there's an important taco in it
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
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Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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