Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Green mimosas i think yes
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
