I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
