I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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