K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
