Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
