why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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