something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
