I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
