FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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