She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
