My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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