You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
