the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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