My sheets look like a crime scene.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
