Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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