my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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