I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
