Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
